AdventureDad

Would you leave your 9-year old on the streets of New York City and let him get home by himself?  That's what Lenore Skenazy did which some parents label  child abuse and others call  great parenting.  It's a fascinating discussion on irrational fear, independence, and trust of a child.  Something that every parent will be exposed to sooner than expected

When combining trust with logical thinking and rational fear, fantastic things happen to family and child.  Yet, I can't help  feeling it's not a popular parenting style today.  Instead we should shelter, protect, and isolate our children from all supposedly dangerous (and not dangerous things) out there. Problem is, parents of young children are most often completely useless at estimating what presents a danger to their children.

Lenore says:

Long story longer, and analyzed, to boot: Half the people I’ve told this episode to now want to turn me in for child abuse. As if keeping kids under lock and key and helmet and cell phone and nanny and surveillance is the right way to rear kids. It’s not. It’s debilitating — for us and for them.

The parents who call Lenore's decisions child abuse are forgetting something important.  Although I don't know her, I'm sure she had a good feeling of what her son was capable of.  She didn't just decide to leave him at Bloomingdales and hope for the best.  He probably earned her trust throughout the years by acting responsibly. 

My 4-year old cuts the sausages with our sharpest Wusthof knife, he stirs the chicken in the very hot wok, he sits down alone with my Macbook and watches a movie, and I have no problem  letting him use my expensive digital camera without my help.  He's allowed to walk around with my iPhone, carries the car and house keys for hours during outings, and when we get close to a street corner I don't scream  despite being 75 feet behind. At the playgrounds, he's in one corner and I might be 300 feet in another direction playing with my daughter.  At home he carries expensive wine glasses  without us even thinking about it.  I trust Daniel.  Not blindly and with everything, but at 4 years of age I already have lots of confidence in him.  This was not done over a weekend, it's something we've been working on for years. 

Would I let my son get home by himself?  Not right now at 4 years of age but if things continues this way I'll have no problem letting him get home by himself in a few years.  Especially here in Sweden, one of the safest and most incredible places for children and family.  I meet many 7 year olds each day on their way home from school or a friends house.  NYC is not as safe and calm but still a very safe place although media and panicked parents (read mothers) would like you to believe otherwise.

Rational and irrational fear are two different things.  So is being scared and aware.  Parents most often have severe irrational fears.  The thought of a little boy being kidnapped randomly on a busy street is a nightmare for every parent.  But parents can't seem to understand how  rare this is.  It's true there are many abductions of children each year in U.S.  A ridiculously high percentage of that are done by family or relatives of the child.  Custody disputes, pissed off fathers, and perverted uncle Mike, that kind of stuff.  That a boy  gets taken on the streets of a safe large city is rare although you would think differently while reading the paper.

These days, when a kid dies, the world — i.e., cable TV — blames the parents. It’s simple as that. And yet, Trevor Butterworth, a spokesman for the research center STATS.org, said, “The statistics show that this is an incredibly rare event, and you can’t protect people from very rare events. It would be like trying to create a shield against being struck by lightning.”

“Parents are in the grip of anxiety and when you’re anxious, you’re totally warped,” the author of “A Nation of Wimps,” Hara Estroff Marano, said. We become so bent out of shape over something as simple as letting your children out of sight on the playground that it starts seeming on par with letting them play on the railroad tracks at night. In the rain. In dark non-reflective coats.

Irrational fear is very destructive.  It's not a healthy thing for parent or child.  If parents only had a little perspective and realized what's really dangerous.  I laugh when I see the panic over lead poisoned Chinese toys.  Parents believe their lovely little angel might fall over and die any second because of that doll in the closet.  So they drive down to the toy store at record speed to return it.  With their little angel in the car without car seat or seat belt.  Last time I checked no one had died from lead poisoned toys while traffic accidents is the number one cause of death of children under 14 in U.S.

Each year 60 000+ people, adults and children, die in traffic accidents, 20 000 from drunk driving.  And you know what's number two on the list of killer for children?  Accidents in the household. And lets not forget 100 000 die annually in U.S. only from hospital mistakes.  The list is endless but shows that life, even if lived without any perceived risks, includes many things which we have little control over. I wish people would focus a little more on this than on nonsense.  I know a lot about irrational fear since I'm married to a Latin woman.  She's long ago learned to think more rational but not her friends. You see, Latins are world champions in irrational fear.  I've seen up close how horrible this is for a child since our Venezuelan friend Esther is the undisputed champion of stupid and irrational fear.  She knows it but can't snap out of it.  It's like a disease. 

I know my son could hurt himself doing things I trust him with.  He could possibly  even die.  But this is what life is all about.  We can't protect our children from everything, it's impossible.  There is a chance a random stranger will one day abduct my son from our Swedish playground while I'm not looking.  It don't think it has happened in the past 25 years but it's possible.  Being struck by lightning and winning the lottery on the same day is probably more likely.  Point is we should take precautions in high risk situations but isolating our children from all possible danger is not a good idea and also impossible.

If parents are worrying about anything and everything, what lessons are we teaching our children?  What kind of signals are we sending?  What kind of confidence will our children grow up with knowing a parent flap like a salmon for the safest thing imaginable?  Whatever happened to lead by example?  Don't forget, you are your  child's hero and she/he will copy your behavior.  Good and bad.  Although the bad behavior seem to be remembered longer IMHO.

All the caring, loving, aware, and responsible parents  who raise their children making sure they are safe are my heroes.  I love parents who are dedicated and try hard to raise a fine child.  But putting our children in a protective bubble and discouraging valuable and extremely low risk experience is not the way to go in my opinion.  It's a give and take situation.  To earn a child's trust, one must also be willing to give a little.  Leaving your child at Bloomingdales might not feel right for everyone but most parents can surely build more trust together with their child.  I wish more parents would try this seemingly unpopular approach, it's an incredible and rewarding feeling for everyone involved.

Categories: Family, News
Tags: , confidence, dangerous, dedication, features, irrational fear, new york city, Parenting, perspective