The Key To Managing A Newborn - The Older Sibling
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on
August 15th, 2006
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Lets be honest. A newborn together with an older sibling can drive the family crazy and be an absolute nightmare. That's very clear after just a few days with our newborn and Daniel. The key to successfully raising a newborn without going crazy is the older sibling(s). Dealing with one crazy, bad behaving child is manageable with two parents but it's very demanding and exhausting. Having such child with a newborn will drive you insane, create a bad environment for the kids, and possibly crash your marriage. Does that sound horrifying? It doesn't have to be that way but I don't think it's uncommon.
I've always thought about raising a child that can behave properly but still have fun and go a little crazy. What's proper behavior? I think a two year old should be able to sit down and eat by himself together with the parents, be able to listen to his parents, behave politely and be able to play with other kids, and go to sleep without much fuss. Nothing advanced, just being a good kid. But I'm really surprised of how many parents struggle with these tasks. Me and the wife have always been kind of anti-children. Not because we didn't like kids, it was more the way most of them were raised and the way the parents just stopped living after their child was born. And we've never like spoiled, loud, rude, violent, screaming little shit kids. I thought like this ten or fifteen years ago and my views are exactly the same after having two kids. If you want children, work hard to give them a god start in life. It will be paid back ten times over. Or more. We are no Nazi parents who are crazy about discipline. 
We let our son do some stuff others don't. But in there somewhere, I can't really explain it, we've developed an amazing understanding between parent and child of what's good and bad. We get all the credit for being good parents but it should go to our son who makes us look like superstar parents. He's been a dream with our newborn girl so far. He's sleeps through the night despite her screaming and is extremely excited about seeing her or going for a ride in the double Mountain Buggy with her. A few minutes after he first met her, he gave her his dearest possessions. His security blanket and some pieces of his railway. Then he ran his hand through her hair and said "Nanna!", which is what he calls his little sister. It was a cute powerful moment for us which says a lot about how he feels about having a sister.
Whenever his sister wakes up he wants to hold her or just feel her head. He likes to watch her breastfeed and it amazed over the way she puts her hands in the mouth when she's hungry. He's already asked if she can come play with his train or ride the bicycle. We've politely explained that it might be a bit early for that. There must be so many questions going though his head. And we're so grateful he's dealing with them in such a positive way. 
I wonder what he really thinks? Who is this new girl in his house? The strange thing is that he seems to realize exactly what's going on. Jealousy hasn't been a problem so far and we hope it stays that way. We're doing our best to make Daniel feel just as special as his sister. I'm taking a few weeks off from work to help out at home, bond with our newborn, and also spend more time with Daniel. Sandra is recovering well after the birth but still feels beaten up and a bit sleep deprived after breastfeeding our girl constantly. It looks like our baby girl has the same metabolism as I do, she likes to eat all day (and night) and doesn't gain any weight. But breastfeeding is going very well and is starting to run smoothly. Today was our most relaxed day so far with the girl sleeping most of the day, only interrupted by a doctors visit for some routine test of serious diseases that can be spotted at birth. And last night past without any crying and plenty of milk in the big boobies.
Even though everything is going great so far I'm surprised of the older siblings huge importance. It turns out that if the older sibling isn't cooperating and makes a fuss about everything, you'll get nothing done. Handling a newborn is a little stressful in the beginning. That stress will be multiplied by ten if things aren't running smoothly. Think about this if you're considering another child. I think it's a good motivator for giving yourself and your current child a good start.
An excellent post you are starting off on the right foot. Making him a part of her life from the beginning is a great exercise in limiting that sibling rivalry. There will be good days and bad days, but for the most part, you will learn to adapt to having two. That adaptation will grow as will that sweet little angel of a girl.
I have been in th process of moving, so I missed out on the excitement! Big congrats to you and your wife and son. I hope all is getting back to a new “normal!”
Very interesting. We have 1 and are planning on our second…timing is everything
You can’t really take complete credit for your son’s good behavior. He probably started with a fairly easy personality which you trained properly. And there’s no way you could have predicted that he would do well with your new little one. That transition is unpredictable and you obviously got very lucky.
There are a lot of kids out there who oppose their parents best efforts to train them and while there are also parents that have a rotten style dealing with kids, I’ve observed that most people truly try to do their best. Try not to judge what other parents are going through. They may have a very uphill road - and frankly, your daughter could easily be more difficult to parent than your son, not because you have changed your style but because she has a more contrary, sensitive, extroverted, or energetic nature.
The kids are 3.5 and 1 now. We also have been very lucky in the behaviour of my daughter. One thing we choose to do was to send our daughter to daycare in the daytime to permit mom to sleep and permit our daughter to socialize and play without having a ‘tired mom’ This seemed to work for us, so we decided to keep our daughter at daycare for the whole year and things have worked out all right.
I do feel I have made a difference by making myself as available as I could to my family. I can’t say I wasn’t/am tired after a while but I liked/like it.
Enjoy!
I’ll be in the same boat in January….I’m getting worried!!!
- Jon
- Daddy Detective
- http://www.daddydetective.com
Sep 4th, 2006 at 3:26 pm
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Sep 27th, 2006 at 3:45 pm
[…] Posted on Wednesday 27 September 2006 Annika is 7 weeks old now and the challenges with more than one child are becoming clearer. I talked earlier about how the older sibling is the key to a relaxed and functional family. That has worked out really well since Daniel behaves well, nags very little, and generally goes along with our plans. But another issue has popped up. How much attention should the older sibling get? Should he/she always be the center of attention? How do I know if he's getting too much attention? We want Daniel to have fun and not get jealous of his sister but not get too much attention and turn into a spoiled little shit. There is no magical formula for this but I can feel this becoming more of an issue as Annika gets older. At the moment it's not too complicated. She's right now an eating-shitting-sleeping machine where no real two-way interaction is possible except the occasional smile. But this will rapidly change in a month or two. What's the strategy for keeping both siblings happy and not wanting to kill each other? I want my children to be very close to each other as they grow up. Me and my sister are not close at all. And it has always been like that. I can never remember us having a loving relationship. We don't fight but speak to each other once a year. The bad thing is that I don't know why. I've asked my parents but they have no good explanation. The current division of tasks is straight-forward. Sandra spends a majority of her time with Annika. Daniel is at day care half time and comes home at 3 pm. Sandra spends a few hours with Daniel but is limited in activities since Annika is with her as well. In two weeks this will be even more challenging since her mom then leaves for Mexico. She's been here almost three months and helped us out a lot, especially with Annika. My time after work and during the weekends is spent almost entirely with Daniel. I get to cuddle some with Annika but she's usually either sleeping or eating. Daniel is missing me a lot and clings to me like glue when I'm at home. It's sometimes a little tough after a rough day at work but it's great to see that he likes me so much. This morning he was begging me not to go to work. It was the toughest day in a long time leaving him at home. I can't wait for next summer when I will be taking three or four months of parental leave. Daniel has not been very jealous so far but any time I hold Annika he also want me to pick him up. That's tough since he's not a little baby any more. When Annika gets older, say after 18 months or so, the kids will be able to spend more time together actually playing with each other. But until then the activities are very split. One great activity the family can do is biking. I've talked about how much Daniel loves sitting in the bike seat on my bike and how it's the perfect way for exercise and bonding with your child By next summer Annika will be old enough for some nice long rides and Daniel can either bike on his own without training wheels or join us on our bikes. Winter is just around the corner and Daniel is already talking about playing in the snow and riding his snow racer. That's a bit early for Annika but we do have a special plastic sled with a raised back for extra support. She will be able to ride gently in that one from six months of age. The biking and winter sledding are not activities they do together but it's the closest we will get for quite some time. For those of you that have more than one child, how did you approach this sensitive situation? What were some of the warning signs that things were about to go to hell with the older sibling? […]