The Dilemma Of (Maybe) Wanting Another Child
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February 8th, 2007
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Before our second child we talked about a potential third child. Wife was against it but I was ready for more kids. That was alright with me although I have a secret wish for twins after a miscarriage with in 2002. I was sure my wife was even more against kids after pampering our high maintenance Prima Donna for the past 5 months but her position has now reversed. She's ready for more kids while I'm hesitant. What happened? These past five months have been demanding on us and I was sure just mentioning more kids would make her barf.
What's more difficult for a woman, a very tough delivery with complications and a dream child or an easy delivery with the most demanding child on earth? Our first son was born in a difficult delivery with some additional complications, but he's been a dream child. Kind, calm, unbelievably nice to his newborn sister, and laughing from morning to evening. Our daughter's delivery was easy but she's been a moody, nagging, demanding, high maintenance bitch from day one. Things have improved now when we're approaching the 6 month mark I must admit.
My wife surprisingly favors the second scenario even though our daughter has been so difficult. That just shows how different men and women look at pregnancy and how important is it to talk about these issues to avoid misunderstandings and frustration. She sees the pregnancy as kind of a lost year but with Daniel it was almost two lost years. One year pregnant and one year recovering. That's apparently what's behind her drastic change in feelings regarding another child.
I was sure my wife found the crying and the nagging more demanding and frustrating than than a tough delivery (with complications). That's surely how I feel but it's not my body. Sandra felt it mentally tough to have her body beaten up so badly the first time around and it took almost a year for her to get back to normal. With Annika, she's now back to normal after only six months. Not only physically but also mentally. I credit her four-times-a-week-workouts for that. As soon as she was allowed to begin exercising again I could tell a huge difference mentally.
In 2002 we decided to have children and got pregnant straight away. My wifes reaction was not quite what I was hoping for, she was crying like a baby when she saw the result. And not out of joy. I guess she realized that our trouble free and superb life in NYC was about to change and we were entering a new phase in our life. Not more jetting down to South Beach over the weekends, going out for dinner 5 nights a week, or long weekends in Paris.
When we sat there in the doctors office and he couldn't find a heartbeat we didn't really understand what he meant. He explained that it was a miscarriage. And that it would have been twins. This sounds bad but we didn't take it that hard. It was early in the pregnancy and I guess the thought of being parents hadn't really sunk in. It was only during the actual surgical procedure that I began to become more aware. It was not a pleasant experience.
I think of our miscarriage more today. It does make me sad. I know we have two great kids but the loss of those twins seem so much more real now when I know how it feels to hold my own flesh and blood in my arms. Lots of people go through miscarriages and I know it was God's will/destiny/the body's self defense mechanism (believe whatever you want) that terminated the pregnancy. We took precautions and could not have done anything differently. It was simply not meant to be.
My secret desire to have twins comes from this experience and I can still remember the ultrasound where I could see the two babies. I didn't actually see the babies but I could see there was two of something in there. Twins run in my wife's family and I'm still wondering what will happen if we decide to have more children. What if we get twins? Four kids!! Could we handle it? Of course we could. Would we want this to happen? I don't know. But if it happens I guess the correct way of looking at twins would be as a huge bonus.
We are having the exact same discussions at the moment. Do we want another? Would three be harder than two? We’d need a bigger car and a bigger house which are putting a slight dampener on our plans.
I like bringing up the subject of a third child, if only to see my husband go completely pale and run screaming from the room. He comes from a small family - only he and his sister, but I’m the youngest of five. I always thought I would have ten kids by now.
I realize there’s a desire for more, but what happened to being fully satisfied with what you have? Two is great! Lots of people want just one and have zero to show for their efforts.
Our switch from 1 kid to 2 kids has been hard — they each demand attention in their own ways. If we added a third, there would always be someone wanting attention he or she isn’t going to get at that moment. Now _that_ is hard to deal with.
Stick wih 2. That’s my advice.
We are at 2 and having the same discussion. Both pregnancies were horrible from her mental point of view….thus I know I would need to brace myself for a year.
The question I pose myself now is more from a ‘humaniterian’ side… Why would I have a third chlid? When does it become egoistic to have another child?
No answer yet!
Husband was lobbyying for a second chased me around the house for a year trying to make it so. I wanted nothing to do with another baby at the time. Now, I REALLY want that baby and he REALLY doesn’t.
I hope we finally agree on… something.
My wife and I agree that we are done. Two is enough. Our youngest boy has been exhausting. He was colicky for the first 4 months. I don’t know if you’ve been through that, but there are no words to describe it.
Unless we slip up…
We are done.
You’re really thinking about a third child??
Reallly??
*picks up jaw from floor* Me? Noooooooooooooo!!!!!
I’m impressed.
Godd luck to you and your wife.
My husband says I can have as many more as I want as long as I move out of the house and have them with someone else. He has been physically exhausted by the first and the second promises to wipe us out financially. All the best… I wish I could have three or four.. but after a cesarean.. i doubt it.
We’re currently wrestling with the issue of whether to have a second - we’d need a bigger house, bigger car, bigger everything, which isn’t always easy to manage living in a city. Also? We’ve already got our hands full - it feels that way - with the one high-maintenance baby - toddler; speeding toddler - that we already have.
We’ve always said that we *would* have more - but now that we’re wanting to decide for once and for all? Tough one.