AdventureDad

When do you stop being a beginning parent and move on to intermediate or experienced?  When the kids move out of the house?  Things are going well with Daniel and I don't feel like a beginner as a parent.  Actually, it's been a long time since I felt like that.  But despite having moved past the initial stages and had some good luck I still feel like there is so much left to learn as a parent. 

There are always new challenges  and unexpected behavior from  children.  I have always loved to learn by watching others.  It's been like that from my early days.  I would try to copy behavior I liked and stay away from behavior I hated.  And that has helped me a lot as a parent.  I love to look at other parents and see how they interact with their kids.  To see how they solve conflicts and what kind of relationship they have.  I try to combine this with some of my own experiences through life and also weigh in the good and bad ideas my parents had. But it's clear that every one doesn't try to constantly improve their parenting skills. 

I have a friend who has a three and a half year daughter and they live close to us.  Daniel hangs out with her at times and they get along pretty well unless the girl is  in some kind of freak mood.  Which happens often.  But her mother has a  parenting strategy that is fucked up different.  She tells her daughter "No!" to pretty much everything.  From morning to night she preaches/screams "No!" to her daughter.  Who can possibly believe this is a good idea?

I have strong beliefs of how not to raise a child.  It's nothing special and I'm sure most other parents agree with the  bulk of it.  But I never get involved in other parents parenting unless they are doing something violent, illegal, or just stupidly dangerous.  My friend and her style really puzzles me. I still don't get involved but it's sometimes tough to stay on the sidelines.  She knows about her constant nagging but she can't stop.

We've recorded some short clips of the children playing together and the only thing you can hear is her telling her daughter "No!" or preach to her daughter about how dangerous stuff is.  It starts early morning in the apartment,  "Careful with stains,  don't slobber, sit properly, don't slouch, not too much butter, not too little butter, don't spill food, again no stain on your clothes, not to fast, not fast enough," etc. 

Before leaving the apartment it's the same, "No stains on the white couch, no shoes inside, shoes on the balcony, again no shoes inside, no jumping, no playing, no complaining, no nagging, no falling, no jumping, no playing outside, no playing in sandbox, no falling down the stairs, no stains on clothing, no diving on the rocks, careful with the stairs, careful with the water puddle, careful with the cars, careful with the bikes, careful with the clothes," etc.  Ohhhhhh, I get exhausted just thinking about this.  

Now, how do you think this child feels after being told "No!" about 200 times a day and constantly hearing about how dangerous stuff is?    The child is smart and responds very well when spoken to in a normal way.   All parents have different styles and that's the way it should be.  But I find it important, although sometimes painful and embarrassing, to look at ones own behavior objectively.  Why do I say painful and embarrassing?  Because it takes strength to admit and realize that you are making mistakes and need to make  changes.  I'm fairly good at admitting my mistakes, but I still find it tough.  For me it's especially tough  when it concerns my son.  I'm his teacher, mentor, and role model.  He listens to me and learns how to behave.   I'm supposed to show him, be a good example, and guide him with a gentle but firm hand through his childhood. 

Do you ever make mistakes with your children?  If you're anything like me, you do.  I hate it when Sandra tells me of something stupid I did.  I feel terrible but usually see the mistake quickly.  I do try to learn and avoid further mistakes. This is where watching other parents is so helpful to me.  I see some parent doing a stupid thing and I look back at my own actions and question myself?  Do I do the same thing?  Or if it's a great thing, I obviously tell myself I should do more of that. 

Like our recent trip to Germany where we stayed with my friend Robert and his family.  He's got  three kids who are a lot older than Daniel but were raised incredibly well. It was clear that I would like Daniel to be raised to be equally nice, kind, and generous when he grows older.  I love to see good parenting.  It's so uplifting and energizing. 

What's the point of my babbling?  We all do mistakes on a regular basis but  it's good to at least attempt to look inside yourself and evaluate how things are being done. Is it good or bad?   Getting off to a good start with young children is just so much more fun and rewarding.  And who doesn't want to be a good parent?  There are few better things in the world than giving you children the gift of good parenting.

Have a great week!

Categories: Family, Friends, Kid stuff
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