Pappitis and Anger Management
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June 9th, 2006
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Daniel is doing fine after our scare last week when he almost choked to death. It was a weird and unexpected incident but the positive thing is that we now know what to do if a child is choking. In December I wrote a few lines about Daniel's preference for his dad. Back then he was sooooo into daddy, mommy was barely noticed. This continued for several months and increased because of Sandra's stomach bleeding and her inability to carry or play much with Daniel. Between November and March, Daniel strongly favored me and wanted me to be involved in every little thing in his life. This was flattering and also showed me that my many months at home on parental leave and deep involvement in Daniels life had a very positive impact. But it was also difficult and exhausting since I have a very demanding and stressful job. The Pappitis decreased after March when Sandra's bleeding disappeared and she once again got more involved in our son's activities. But the Pappitis has now re-appeared and I'm once again the popular person in the household.
Last month I wrote about Daniel's complete lack of the Terrible Two stage and his very easy going manner. Of course I jinxed us by writing this and a couple of days ago Sandra had her first difficult incident with a very stubborn Daniel. He was basically telling Sandra "no" to all of her suggestions and became very angry. He refused to leave a friends house, then didn't want to leave a park, and finished off by refusing to enter the car. He cried and cried as Sandra carried him away. 
When I got home at night he was very mellow and I could tell he had been through a tough day. Sandra explained in detail what had happened and she did not feel good about doing things against his will. This is our very first incident when he behaves in this manner so we're pretty spoiled. After lots of thinking we came to the conclusion that he acted angrily because Sandra had upset him the night before during bedtime. I also told Sandra that I have bad memories from my childhood and the way my mom was acting in these kind of situations. I was older, perhaps 5-13 years old, but for me it's still the same thing. She was not using heavy force, but there was no attempt to solve the situation though talking. What I wanted, felt, or thought, was not important. I still to this day, more than thirty years later, remember several of these incidents clearly. And I will not ever solve problems that way with any of my children. Sandra told me that she had tried everything possible and of course I believe her. But I had immediate flashbacks from my childhood as she told the story.
Back in my young days I guess it was not common to talk to your child and help them understand why some things had to be done a certain way. But that kind of reasoning is very important to me. I'm known as the child whisperer or Super-Nanny among Sandra and my friends because of my smooth and patient style which makes 
children flock to me. I'm no push-over, I barely have to raise my voice and children know immediately that they are acting inappropriately. Because of my less than great memories from my own childhood, I've always been very clear and honest with Daniel about what we're doing and what the rules are. I've never had an incident with him where I've resorted to force or doing things against his will. I never carried him away, never grabbed his hand and pulled him, or showed him in the car and let him cry. Not one single time. We've always resolved our issues through talking and it works incredibly well. I still hate when people tell me to do things without telling me why. Or rather asking me to do things when it's not clear why we are doing it. You know, kind of military style. I think it's very ineffective and doesn't create a good bond between father and child (or boss and employee).
We realized Daniel had been angry at Sandra because I didn't come into his room after he went to bed. Sandra put him to bed and stayed in his room a few minutes. He was asking for me and she told him I would be right there. I was in the only calm spot where I can relax, the bathroom, unaware of Daniel's request for me. It's the only place at home or at work where I can get a few quiet and calm minutes. When I didn't show up by his bed he became upset and thought Sandra was just lying to him. We never do that but of course Daniel couldn't know that. A few minutes later he came running though the house looking for me. His eyes were red from crying as he took my hand and asked me to join him in the bedroom. After a couple of minutes he was relaxing in bed and I left the room. That's how strong his Pappitis is.
It's really amazing how good our bond is. I'm the first one out of bed and last one in bed every single day of the year but if I want to sleep in until 08.30 once a month, Daniel will not let me. He will stay by the bed trying to convince me to get up. Even if Sandra is out of bed ready to play, he still won't leave my side. I don't mind getting up early but every now and then, like after a night out drinking, it would be nice to enjoy a few extra minutes in bed.
Have a great weekend!
Next time you write about your child missing a stage like the “terrible twos,” knock on several peices of wood, say ten “Hail Marys,” and ever so gently caress a rabbit’s foot before, during, and after you write it. It has never worked for me because once you chisel it into the marble of your blog, you can count on something going wrong. Good luck with those T.T.’s