Learning to share
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on
March 22nd, 2006
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I had a very interesting conversation with another couple last night on the subject of sharing. Just like us they are in Sweden to work for a few years. The husband is also Scandinavian and the wife Latin. They've got an adorable daughter who is three and she's one of Daniel's best friends (the one in the photo is not her, it's Daniel's Mexican cousin)
Their daughter has just stared kindergarten and they aren't too happy with the way things are going. Out of the blue she asks me: "How come you don't teach the kids to share here in Sweden? Why are the children taught to always claim the toys as their own and told not to share them with any other kids? In Venezuela the children learn how to share in school and it's encouraged by the teachers." I was so surprised by the question I didn't know what to say. I think they have some serious communication problems with the people at their kindergarten because that's not the way we educate kids in Sweden. We do teach them to share but also maintain their individuality. The school play a part in this but I firmly believe it's mainly up to the parents to educate their children according to their beliefs. Our friends are having a meeting at school today to discuss this and other questions and I'm sure they will clear it up. To me it sounds like a combination of not understanding cultural differences and miscommunication. More on that when I hear what happened at their meeting.
But it's a very important question. How do you teach your children to share their toys or snacks with other kids at kindergarten or at the local playground? How do you teach them to share generously without being pushed around and abused by other kids?
I believe learning to share is critical if you want to raise a child to become a good person. When I was growing up I was not very good at sharing. I was never spoiled but I want my son to be a better person than I was at a young age. My 
parents did a pretty good job raising me (at least I subjectively believe so) but there are many areas where I have different beliefs because of my experiences throughout the world and I want my son to benefit from this. Before we had children we would occasionally talk about how to raise him/her. Or actually how NOT to do it. We always agreed that we didn't want our son to become a spoiled egoistical brat who was aggressive and whined all day long. Many parents seem to believe it's up to the school to raise their children. I couldn't disagree more. I believe parents are responsible for raising their children. School plays a role in the upbringing but the parents always have the largest impact. Or at least they should have
What should a parent do when a child refuses to share any toys and just says "mine, mine, mine!"? I have taught our son early on to share and it's never a problem. I usually allow him to keep one toy his playing with and share a few others. It works very well. But I see some parents who don't seem to get the point. It's the same situation every time. Their kid is sitting there with 16 toys and refuses to share. I believe the parent should tell their child to share at least one toy. But some just shake their head and say :"She doesn't want to share, there is nothing I can do." Personally this drives me kind of crazy. I immediately associate this with a spoiled little brat. There must be a better way to solve this kind of situation.
Am I completely wrong about this? Isn't it important to set an example as a parent and guide your children?
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I was quite confident that my older daughterhad the sharing thing down pat. Then her baby sister got older and started walking and started taking things she was playing with. It had been a challenge to work with both children to share, especially since the baby is 13 months old and has no clue as to what sharing is. She just wants it and wants it now.. It is REALLY hard.
Fortunately, Eleanor(my 3 year old) is very polite in public about sharing with other children. The battles are typically reserved for home.
I don’t have any answers but agree that the responsibility lies with the parents.
I think as you live in Sweden it is the problem with lazy or “understanding” parents who wants to respect the children’s wishes even though they morally see it as wrong. Growing up in Sweden I heard too many stories about how children were let to more or less raise themselves and had in my eyes a lack of upbringing. Although this was the generation of children post 60′s one would have hoped more would have been learnt.
Ah, no, I see several of my friends in Sweden having serious disciplinary problems with their children as they never say “No!” to them. And when they finally do the child just stares at them like “who do you think you are telling me what not to do” which I find very sad.
In the end, we all raise our children in the way we hope they will be able to survive the future best. Although it is also important that one makes sure that ones child does not pick up any bad habits from other children and do the classic “but everybody else does it” even if it is patently wrong behaviour.
Ok, long post and I cannot say anything else but I agree with you AD, the person to raise the child should be the parents and not school or any other extracurricular activity that the children participate in. As a former ScoutMaster I cannot tell you how many scouts I have had to raise because their parents did not…
With hopes Daniel enjoys the snow… :)
/Lindus