Is Parenting Today A Team Effort?
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on
March 7th, 2007
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Violent Acres has just posted an interesting piece on the shared responsibilities of parenting. Or the lack thereof. Brutally honest she says, "In this day and age, men have absolutely zero reproductive rights. If a woman wants a child, she’s going to have a child even if it means poking a hole in a condom." And you know what, she's probably correct although I don't recognize the behavior in my own gender-equal, 50-50, shared-parenting, little corner of the world. In so many places, fatherhood means bringing in money to support the family while the woman stays a home raising children and taking care of everything else.
Violent Acres comes across as an obnoxious, opinionated, asshole who writes whatever she feels like. Honest, offensive, and provocative. I love it. She seems to vent her opinions in the same somewhat dysfunctional way I use myself. I find the post curious, partly because my own experiences and beliefs are the complete opposite. She continues,
When it comes time to plan a family, a man is not allowed to say “enough is enough” or “we can’t afford it” or “I’m not sure I can be as good a Father if I spread myself too thin” lest he be labeled an insensitive
I'm such a boring guy, all decisions in my relationship are done after discussing things with my boss wife. We are both involved in every aspect of our children's lives. She could die tomorrow and I would know exactly what to do with the children. And if I died she would be a rich girl on the hunt for Brad Pitt a good life for our children. Curiously enough, we are talking about possibly having more children. Before our baby girl was born 7 months ago, I was all for it. But now I'm a bit more hesitant. But at least I have a say. But is Violent Acres right, does men today basically lack reproductive rights?
My own experiences are different than most because I have seen both sides. I've lived in U.S half of my life where women are in many cases seen as second class citizens whose job is to produce children and take care of the home (I know there are many exceptions). I have also seen much of the Latin traditions and their macho male culture where men unfortunately make all decisions but have nothing to do with their children (or wife).
The Swedish style, where I spent the other half of my life, is the complete opposite of the previous two. Society is gender equal, fathers here take months of parental leave, are involved in most everyday decisions, and take care of 45% of all child related responsibilities. It's like another world.
Having the kind of relationship and society Violent Acres is talking about sounds like a long term strategy towards disaster. Women are certainly capable of making all decisions and it's true that some men are "sexist/deadbeat/no good/loser/bad fathers" but two people working together can enjoy life more and have a much deeper impact on their children while working as a team. It will make our kids more balanced and less likely of growing up as spoiled little shits.
Women do that every single day when they demand allowance to plan the size of the family without any input whatsoever from their husbands. The double standard is sickening. If a man asks his wife to have more children because he always wanted a large family, he’s a sexist pig. If a woman does it, she’s simply exercising her biological rights. If a man asks his wife if they can limit the size of their family because he’s stressed out enough as it is he’s…a sexist pig. If a woman does it? Duh. She’s exercising her biological rights.
I think fathers have taken a huge step forward in the past 10-20 years. But we're still not were we should be. When I go out on the streets of Sweden I see tons of fathers on parental leave, pushing the stroller in front of them while beaming with happiness. Here it's cool and trendy to be an involved father. I know time has stood still for centuries in other places.
In two weeks I'm heading down to such a place for five weeks of vacation. I will be spending some time in Mexico with the extended family while drinking strong, sweet, umbrella drinks on the beach. I can't imagine approaching fatherhood like a Latin father. But I benefit greatly from seeing the contrast between involved and absent fathers, and between teamwork and solo efforts. It gives me a great perspective on what I think is important in life. The look I get from the Latin fathers when I tell them I will be on parental leave with the kids during a longer period, is absolutely priceless. They simply can't believe it.
Head on over and read the post on Violent Acres. You might agree or disagree, but it will make you think about the roles in society.
AD,
I father much like you. I share in everything. But I am half Swedish you know :-).
My amount of involement is not the norm, even here in liberal Minnesota. I do it because I know it is the right thing to do. Most men don’t.
Anyway… About the Violent Acres post…
She has a point. My wife and I SHARE in the decision making. Sometimes I get what I want and sometimes she does, and we do it fairly. And having another child MUST be a mutual decision.
But many of the men I meet are completely bulldozed by the women in all decisions. Some of these American women are nasty dictators. One guy I know, who rarely drinks decided to have two beers in row one night after doing some outdoor work. His wife saw the two empty bottles on the counter and told him that drinking at home leads to alcoholism and if he ever drank alone at home again she’d have him thrown out of the house and he’d never see his kids.
In Minnesota if there is a divorce, the father will NOT get joint custody of the kids. He will probably only get to see them every second weekend.
Many American men are as sexist as ever, but the laws regarding child custody, child support, and reproduction, men have zero say.
When I was going through my teen years, almost all of my male freinds came from single mother households. I know the lack of a father was hard on them. In fact, it killed at least one of them, and most of the rest of them never really became mature men. Call me old-fashioned but I think a child needs a dad.
I don’t think the violent acres author is talking about us AD. But I’ve seen the households she is talking about, that are run by women that think men are worthless scum and it’s sad. If a child grows up in house where the man is nothing but a doormat, it’s probably worse than growing up in house without a father at all.
I could tell you stories about fathers I’ve seen terribly abused, but I’ll spare you. I know women are also abused, but in the Minnesota court system, abused men have no rights to their children.
I’m just grateful I found the perfect woman for me.
It looks like you’ve found the perfect woman for you too.
Building a good parenting team starts early in the courtship. As such, you have to make agreements and compromises. You must delineate areas of responsibility. You must be prepared to pick up when one is not available to do their share.
Like a good outfielder, often the man is called upon to join the play only after it has gotten away from the infield. However, if the team is truly working together, there is a seamless exchange of responsibilities, and one player is always there to serve as cutoff or backup for the other.
Of course, if you are not in the US or Japan, you may have completely missed the analogy. I can’t imagine why I went that way, since I hate baseball. It just seemed fitting.