AdventureDad

Sandra's sister Patricia is here visiting from Mexico and her kid Ximena has given me the idea to make the most formidable military weapon of all times.  Nuclear weapons is nothing compared to this.  Forget about chemical weapons, lasers, or space weapons.  Any WMD is simply vastly inferior.  This weapon costs virtually nothing to produce, requires  no maintenance, and can break down the mind of any person faster than torture in an Egyptian prison.  What's the weapon?  I call it Ximenus.

In December the AdventureDad family spent three weeks in Baja California during our Mexican three month tour.  Patricia has her own company, Naturadventure, and we wanted to visit them for some adventures.  During our time there Ximena was sick almost the whole time, barely ate, nagged, and screamed pretty much all day long.  She has a scream that can drive any sane person insane. Quickly.  But I figured it was just a bad time for her, she was sick and didn't feel well.  I was wrong.

She's here and she's not sick.  She still has her scream and I even think she perfected it a bit more because it's even more annoying now.  It's a high pitch scream that comes out of nowhere.  Imagine a combination of screams from the creatures in Alien, a touch of those small aggressive Jurassic Park creatures, and the sound of a fork scratching a plate to reach that horrible gut wrenching noise.  Throw in some screams from a colic baby, sounds of a baby seal being clubbed to death,  the noise of sick hyena howling at full volume, and you're getting closer.  Now, multiply this by a 1000 and you're almost there.  Add the super secret noise profile of  Ximena and the weapon is finished.  Without warning she lets out her scream for no reason.  It's not because she's angry, sad, hungry, or thirsty.  She just screams.   I'm willing to donate my right kidney, never curse again, and stop drinking alcohol  to make it stop.

My suggestion to all military planners is to record her scream and play it wherever you have problems and they will quickly be settled.   Insurgency in Iraq?  I give them two days  and they will lay down their weapons and start worshiping Bush.  North Korea? They are stubborn and will probably last three days before they embrace capitalism and open their borders.  Bin Laden?  I give him a day at most before he invites Bush for a mountain bike ride of the Pakistani border region.  Murderers and pedophiles?  Half a day at best for these pathetic cowards.  Then they will start attending church and start gardening as a hobby.    Corrupt CEO's like Koslowski or Ebbers?  Only a few hours for these wankers.  Saddam Hussein?  We could have gotten him in less than three days with Ximenus.

Now let me go prepare my presentation to Rumsfeld and talk to a few VC firms.  Just one little sample of the scream and they will be throwing millions at me.

PS.  Of course I love her. She's really cute and I have the honor of being her Godfather.  But that scream……

Categories: Family, Kid stuff
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