AdventureDad

Combining small children with family, fun, work, hobbies, travel, and sex is no easy task.  Small babies need good routines which make them feel safe and secure.  Parents need to do a great job taking care of the little ones but also have fun and maintain a good relationship with the spouse.  Balance is the key word.  It may sound easy but it's incredibly difficult to master.  A good balance will lead to a happy family life and smiling kids while a lack of balance might lead to a strained relationship with the spouse, miserable kids, and an overall sucky time with the family.  What's a good way of finding a healthy middle ground?  I've found four things that really help us from going crazy.

 

Babies need good routines, especially for eating and sleeping.  Some kind of fixed schedule that's more or less repeated every day works great during the first year or two.  It makes the children more calm and helps mother of father catch a break during the day (and night).  Basically, children do very well in the beginning with a "boring" life.  But you already knew this.

 

Parents don't do so well with a boring life.  This is one of the main complaints I hear, especially from fathers.  It's tough to combine boring routines for the little ones and a happy family life.  Having sex every Wednesday at 8 pm, always going to the same cafe, or never leaving the house are not things that make a relationship fun, sexy, or interesting.  What to do?

 

Contrast helps.  Me and my wife are very different.  She's the spontaneous Mexican with hot Latin blood and I'm the boring Swede.  She's impulsive and likes to do new and unexpected things, I find it very cozy just staying in the comfort zone of my life. We talk a lot about this and sometimes have heated arguments but it works out very well.  Meeting somewhere in the middle is great for both of us.

 

Communication is important.  Letting the other person know about feelings and needs is incredibly helpful.  Not talking about it will lead to a disaster.  I see this every single day among friends.  Talking about it constructively is the way to go.  Pure nagging is never effective although I'm certainly guilty of that many times.

 

Effort is the most important factor to raising nice kids and also enjoying life with the spouse (or alone if you're a single parent).  Following a schedule day after day might not be easy but it's a lot less difficult than creating possibilities for the family.  Having young kids is very tough and demanding.  It's tough to do spontaneous and new things, bringing the kids on trips, to restaurants or friends houses, or shopping.  Doing nice and sexy things with the spouse or working out takes ever more effort for many couples. 

 

Having hot sex on the couch takes more effort than just going to bed, especially after some nights with little sleep.  Staying at home is a lot easier than taking a great trip to Paris.  It's easier to eat at home than going out with kids and spouse to a nice place. Wearing dirty sweatpants around the house is very easy (and comfortable).  But making no effort to do creative and nice things is a sure way for relationship problems.  I have friends who rarely leave the house unless it's absolutely necessary.  Believing that one can not eat out, breastfeed at a friends house, or take a 20 minute car/subway/bus ride with kids is not healthy.  It's also incredibly boring, both for kids and parent.

 

My last suggestion is date night.  Don't date that hot 25 year old mother from your son's singing class, date your spouse.  Get a babysitter on a regular basis and go out.  Leave the house and the kids for a few hours.  Work out, eat a nice meal, get drunk or do something else creative.  Talk to your husband, you might have forgotten how to do this when the kids aren't around.  It happens to us sometimes…..  When our son was 12 months old we got a babysitter once a week who came at 6 pm and stayed until we got home.  She did our evening routine once a week and it worked great.  We had fun, our son had fun and got to know other people, and me and my crazy wife could talk like adults for a few hours while enjoying a nice meal (and lots of drinks).

 

If you have small kids, take great care of them and make them your highest priority.  But don't forget your spouse, friends, hobbies, and rest of family.   Talk to your spouse and find a good balance.  Don't just think about it, do it.