Earning Trust From A Spouse
By
on
January 18th, 2007
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As a fairly new parent I've learned a lot just by watching other parents. It has taught me a lot about what not to do but good parents have also unknowingly given me many valuable lessons. None has been more important than trust. Trust needs to be earned, it doesn't just show up out of nowhere.
Trust is an issue that we parents struggle with daily. We must learn to trust other people with our children. Day-care, babysitter, school, doctors, grandparents, and friends are just some of the people who have the lives of our little ones in their hands. Sometimes on a daily basis. But how little many parents seem to trust their spouse has been an eye opening experience for me.
Lets cut the crap. Most fathers have apparently not earned enough of trust from their wife to be left alone with the kids without a 15 minute verbal run through of the most basic things a parent should now. Sometimes even an extensive written note is included. I even occasionally see this in Sweden, home of most involved fathers in the modern world. And lets not even mention Latin America where seeing a father alone with a child is more or less a miracle.
Imagine you're the father of a cute three year old and you're heading out to the playground for a few hours. Or perhaps the wife is spending a night out with friends or taking a weekend trip to Paris. Before she leaves she goes though the most elementary things in the world. Like "It's cold outside, put on enough clothes", "Don't forget to cook dinner", "Do you remember how to bathe her?", "Watch out for cars!", "She needs a blanket at night", or "Don't forget to strap her into the car seat". Shouldn't a father know this stuff?
It's really unfortunate to hear mothers speak to a child's father in this way but I know they do it because they love and care about their child. It's not the mothers fault. It's fathers who need to sharpen up. Not all, but many. I think fathers have come along way. But not far enough. Women have made great progress in many places narrowing the gap between the sexes, why is it still many times automatically assumed that woman are the ones who should take care of our children? Society is definitely accepting the fact that fathers can raise kids as well as women, but fathers still seem to be hesitant about their involvement.
Many fathers are doing a fantastic job around the world by being involed, caring, and responsible in caring for their children. Most mothers want nothing more than having a father who can handle the children competently, we just need more fathers taking that crucial step from simply being a father to being an involved father.
All kinds of research shows it's incredibly beneficial for children to have involved fathers and what could be more satisfying and confidence building for a parent than knowing you are doing a great job with your children? That feeling is powerful enough to make a $100K bonus seem completely irrelevant.
My wife and I had similar interchanges when my first was just born. It came from a variety of places-
a) she was home all day, had put away the laundry and dishes, and knew where everything was.
b) she was nursing and not pumping, which meant that no matter what I did, it was only between feedings,
c) I was an only child with no infant experience, and
d) I was a new parent too, with 2 hours of experience for every 22 she had.
We had a meeting of the minds- OK, it was a shouting match- and we put all these things out there. We finally agreed that, while I would not do it as well or in the same way as she did, I was unlikely to actually injure the baby, and more likely to have him be dirty, uncomfortable, tired, or some combination of these states. Once we agreed that all three of us could survive these circumstances, things got easier.
Someone has to relinquish control while someone else steps up a little. It’s about talking. Unfortunately, at that time, all anyone wants to do is sleep!
It took me letting go and my husband stepping up… it all works out in the end…
This is such an interesting post, AD.
When my wife became a mother, she became a MOTHER. I felt I needed to remind her that she didn’t become MY Mother. It seemed as though all the reasons that she liked me as a man, pre-child (I ride motorbikes; I use power tools: I like “dangerous” sports; I climb ladders - etc), became seriously dangerous liabilities as soon as we had a baby.
She would take our daughter with her on trips & outings, but when I suggested she leave her with me - it was like “no way!!”. Now that our daughter is a toddler, and I have demonstrated my ability to be a good dad, I am allowed to parent on my own. But for the first year, it seemed as though I was more of a liability & a threat.
We laugh about it now :)
Sweden?
The dads are around because they’re too busy putting together furniture from Ikea.
Staying home, I get MOTHERLY when my wife does something with the baby that I think is wrong. But the funny thing is, she does the same thing — so essentially we have two people who think they know best. I can’t wait until our daughter becomes a teenager, and then we’ll have three know-it-alls. Wonderful.
Great post AD — but it’s very difficult for me to swallow the fathers-not-involved bits. I’m sure they’re out there, but it seems that with our circle of friends the fathers are just as involved. But maybe that’s our bias — our friends are pretty cool.
This is such an interesting perspective, especially coming from a dad. I wonder if it comes down to the non stay-at-home parent having less understanding of the day-to-day routine and needs of the kid, than as a matter of men as irresponsible.
I’ve said before, that I think we as women often let our husbands rise to their own level of incompetence. Let the kid cry one night while he forgets to make dinner or whatever. It won’t kill your kid but it’s a lesson the dad wont’ soon forget.
I unfortunatly seen so many fathers not interested and even worse the spouse doesn’t give 2 inches. He backs away ’cause it suits him.
I am not amazed to see it happen… I am amazed the fathers don’t care enough to put their foot down.
LOL I don’t think my spouse doesn’t make at least one comment eveytime I bring the kids back into the house after playing in the snow… scard, mits …something :)