AdventureDad

We thought our baby girl was on the way on Monday morning.  Or at least Sandra thought so.  She woke me up at 05.30 to let me know she had some cramps.  It was my first workday after a week of vacation and I was desperately hoping she was right so I could take the mandatory two weeks of paternity leave.   But it was false alarm.  It was the second false alarm in a week.  A week ago Foxy Wife  noticed a bit more liquid than usual and thought that perhaps the water had broken.  We went to the hospital to have it checked out because of the possible infection risk but everything was alright.  We have a confirmed spot at a private clinic/hospital here in town but we can only go there if the birth takes place  two weeks before or  after the due date.  The clinic is where we gave birth to Daniel and it's so incredibly great that I can't even begin to describe it. But if the water had broken last week we would have been forced to give birth at a regular hospital which is no disaster but definitely not our first choice.  So we are now in the safe zone and awaiting more activity.  Sandra is tired of being large and pregnant and just want to get things done.  And quickly.

All this thinking about our baby girl has led to many thoughts about the first six months of our baby's life.  I'm really looking forward to this but for me it's also the "worst" period of my child's life.  Not because of less sleep, screaming, or other silly complaints.  Simply because it's difficult for a father to achieve that special closeness to their child in the beginning.  Especially if the mother is breastfeeding, and that is something we once again plan to do the first twelve months.  I don't think many fathers have this view regarding closeness and trust  but  I want to be as involved as the mother and have a great bond with my child.  I would love to feel that closeness a mother feels.  From the very beginning.   As you know it's difficult to compete with a hungry baby who is used to warm, huge, milk-filled boobies all day long.  But it's important to me that we are equal as parents.  What I mean is that I want both of us to be able to handle anything that our baby needs.  After our child is 8-12 months old we should both be equals and be able to support her with any needs required. If our child is upset I want to comfort her, when she's going to sleep I want to put her to bed.  And when she falls down I want her to feel comfortable and trust me   when I pick her up.  This may sound natural and obvious but in my experience it's not.  Most fathers don't have a close (enough) connection to their children.  Or at least not as close as I prefer.  I can't tell you how many times I've seen a child fall down and start crying and their father is unable to comfort the kid.  The child is just asking for mommy and the father usually ends up finding the mother since that's the only way to stop the crying. Another example is fathers that can't put their children to sleep. Or feed them.  It's mommy or nothing. And we are talking kids aged 1.5 to 5 years old here, not newborns.  I think that's embarrassing and I would feel like a  failure as a father if that happened to me.  I believe that a great father should work on having  a child that trusts the father as much as the mother.  And doesn't everyone want to be a great father, not just a decent or good father?

Daniel definitely preferred mommy the first year or so when she was breastfeeding.  The first year I stayed at home on vacation and parental leave a total of almost five months. So I can't complain of not having enough time to bond with my child.  But despite all this time together I never came close to mommy's level early on.  Me and Daniel got along great but when it came down to crucial events he preferred mommy.  I was not sad or surprised over this but now when we're having our second child I've thought more about it.   I guess the mother will always be closer to the child since she's carrying it around for nine months.  One way to create a more even environment would be to bottle-feed the newborn but we feel very strongly about breast-feeding because of the health aspects and since it worked so well the first time around.  I'm really glad I took so much time off from work to stay home with Daniel. It did pay off in a huge way and after Daniel was around 12 months old we've been very equal as parents.  Sometimes Daniel prefers mommy and sometimes daddy. It varies but we are both able to take care of all his needs separately without problems.   During the first 18 months I was at home for parental leave or vacation roughly 9 months and that was a great idea.  All that time and effort together with Daniel has built an enormous amount of trust between us and I definitely think all my time with him has had a positive effect on him.  At least I hope so.  I think most fathers forget that time spent together will be beneficial no matter how time was spent.  It seems many prefer to go for a nice walk to the park and do some playing for a couple of hours during the weekend.  That's really nice of course but I feel like my best moments early on to bond was  less glamorous things.  Taking a bath, changing diapers, changing clothes, or eating.  You know, kind of "boring" but necessary things. That's when I felt like I was really making a difference and getting close to my son.

So the plan for child number two is to once again take parental leave a few months next summer when she's around 8 months old and again the summer after that (if we are still in Sweden).  I could take all parental leave since Sandra is not working and that would mean a whopping 480 paid working days with 85 percent pay.  Not bad!  But it's not a good idea to do that in my line of work but I still manage to be home quite a bit.  Throw in my 7 weeks of vacation in addition to that and you have a good base for getting to know your children really well.  Downside is Í will never be able to blame my children's bad behavior on my long working hours and lack of vacation:-))

Categories: Daniel, Family
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