Can Anyone Raise A perfect Child?
By
on
October 3rd, 2006
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Last week I talked about politeness in the post "Is Politeness Dead?" It's important to me that my kids are nice and polite, but not snobby and obnoxious, and we try to teach them basic skills that will help them out later in life. I mentioned that my parents did an overall good job with me being polite but also a poor job with another aspect of politeness, social skills. Like being able to talk to strangers, make friends, and chit chat. I was very surprised by the reaction of my parents who were furious that I dare saying they did a poor job in some area of raising us. They were flapping like salmons. I did say they failed with our social skills but I also gave them a damn good grade over all. Or does this sound like a bashing?
If I'm giving the impression that my parents didn't do a good job raising me you are mistaken. I had a good childhood and have had a nicer life than anyone I know. It's easy to look back at your parents and point at all the things they've done wrong. That's not fair. It's of course impossible to do everything right and every parent try to do the best they can. It's a luxury having your own kids. You get to form them the way you want with the values that are important to you. I do incorporate many things my parents did well in raising us and avoid things I hated. I'm sure my children will do the same when they grow up and look a their lives.
Personally I think that's a very honest answer and if my children one day say that about me I wouldn't be angry or surprised. I'll be happy. My conclusion is that my parents believe that they did everything perfect in raising me and my sister. 100% correct. No mistakes at all. I'm extremely surprised anyone would actually believe in perfection but I still have to ask. How many of you feel that your parents did a 100% perfect job in raising you? They made no mistakes and even if you could, nothing would be changed? What is perfect anyway? Polite? Good looking? Smart? Educated? Athletic? All of the above? Before I had my own children I never thought much about how much parents raised me. Now I think a lot about this subject. Looking at other parents, including my own parents strengths and weaknesses, have always assisted me tremendously in raising my own children. I obviously have opinions on many other things they did but that's fodder for another post Parents shouldn't see this as criticism, and I will not make that mistake, it's constructive and honest feedback.
I believe in being realistic and I want my kids to feel the same way. But I just don't understand how anyone can expect to do a perfect job with something as complex as raising a child. I work very hard at being a good father, my parents believe I try too hard, and I honestly believe I've done very well so far. But my oldest child is not even three years old. I don't expect that I will do a perfect job in raising him. I will sure try but perfect is a tough and unrealistic goal to me. I should do better than my parents though. Not because they did a poor job, because I have the luxury of having learned from their successes and mistakes. Just as my parents sure did a much better job with me than their parents did. It's called evolution. I use the good stuff my parents taught us and I avoid the mistakes. Or at least try to. I don't think it's fair comparing how someone raised me with how I'm doing with my children. I should do a better job or be ashamed.
Raising my kids perfectly without mistakes? I wish that was possible but I will never hold myself to such impossibly high standards.
Maybe your parents think you and your sister were perfect children for them thus it reflects them in being the perfect parents :o). Have a happy weekend!
Nobody is perfect, so how can you ever raise a perfect child? Perhaps that’s an important lesson for them though: that people are flawed and to accept them despite/because of their flaws.
Yes, I could point out where my parents messed up (more so with my sisters), but it’s after the fact now. I can’t change the past now! Certainly where my parents are concerned it would be hard to criticise, but that would be to ignore the stability and love and laughs they gave me through the years.
Lesson here is to not let parents read your blog.
I have qualms about how I was raised too. I haven’t mentioned it on my blog, and I think it would be OK if I did, but it would aggravate them all the same. I’d hear “we did the best damn job we could at the time,” and they’d be right. They can’t see the future and know which skills you need and which you don’t. They do try to get you capable enough to go out on your own, and there’s lots of ways to do that.
If you’re criticizing yourself, you’re calling yourself an Imperfect Child. If you’re criticizizing how your parents raised you, then you’re calling them Imperfect Parents. A subtle difference, lost on the parents but maybe not on you.
It’s a no-win situation my friend. Stick to your guns. If you wish you knew more about X or Y, then don’t back down when saying so. You may need to rephrase, but don’t redact.