Baja California - The Challenging Part
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on
March 3rd, 2006
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You might have looked at the photos in the previous post and wonder how a beautiful place like Baja California can be challenging? It was actually a complete nightmare. After a week we were close to checking into a mental institution hotel.
My long rant can be summed up by saying it's been a challenge to spend long periods of time in very close proximity or family. In the past year or so I've spent 9 weeks with the family and things could have gone better. Last year we stayed partly at a nice resort during our three week stay but this year our visit was spent at their house. The weather was as always great, we did some mountain biking, and visited the beaches often. I'm the Godfather of Ximena and get along excellent with her but I have pinions on parenting styles. The father is like most Latin men not involved in the parenting. Which is a shame since they have their own company and can many times schedule their days creatively. The mother means really well and is doing the best she can. Let's sum it up by diplomatically saying the parenting style is relaxed. But you might not want to pay much attention to my views since I'm apparently a judgmental asshole.
Poor Daniel, he must have been so confused this time around. He was so happy to see Ximena and wanted to play with her all day long. He kept asking for "Mena" first thing every morning. But as soon as he got within 5 feet of her she ran away crying and screaming. She was sick and also seemed to have some other anxiety problem. After ten days together she had not played with Daniel at all. Maybe Daniel is a complete maniac and that's the reason she's acting weird? I doubt that's the reason. Daniel is a gentle kid and does no pushing, screaming, hitting, and will gladly share his favorite toy with anyone. When Ximena and her mom visited us in Sweden last year they played really well together.
I mentioned earlier that the Latin fathers are not involved in raising their children. I just realized that I have spent more effective time with Ximena than he has in the whole year. That's despite living a continent away and only having seen her for nine weeks. As a father, I think that's sad. Since Ximena was sick she ate virtually nothing for days. The parents could not make her eat regardless of what they did. So the child whisperer had to step in and give her some food. I sat her down in my lap, had a one minute chat and then proceeded to feed her a few yoghurt's. She even asked for more. Then it was time for her medicine which also had been refused for days. I talked to her, poured the medicines on a little spoon, and gave it to her with no problems. This happened several times. Next it was sleeping. She refused to sleep and just kept screaming. Sister in law was going nuts so I asked if I could give it a try. I picked her up, carried her downstairs, talked to her for a couple of minutes, and put her down in her bed. I stayed there talking a few minutes and within five minutes she was sound asleep. Sister in law thanked me for giving her a rest but husband was furious. I'm very opinionated regarding parenting but rarely step in unless it's a major emergency or a parents asks me for help.
I'm open for suggestions of how to tell the parents that they need to get their stuff together before it's too late. How do I do that in a diplomatic way that makes them see the light and change?
There’s a saying in the U.S., AD. Not sure whether you’ve heard it but basically the saying is, “You need a license to drive a car but any idiot asshole with a penis can be a father.” Sounds like your SIL and BIL fall into this category. Poor kid. Unfortunately, living so far away, there doesn’t seem like much you can do. Just be thankful that Daniel is such a good-natured kid who has an awesome mother and father who love and respect him very much. Kudos to you, my Child Whispering Friend!
Wow. I don’t even know where to start with what you said. I know it is impossible to say anything to the parents when you are staying in their home. I suggest that when they next stay with you that you set some ground rules. Her behavior will not be tolerated and here is what you (SIL and BIL) need to do to fix it.
I hope they will work to fix things before she is a girl that no one wants to know.
That’s a tough one and I don’t know what to tell you. Unfortunately, there are some people who just don’t care to put any work into childcare. And it makes it extra difficult because you are dealing with a culture where the men still have a lot of machismo issues. I know how you feel, though, it’s so hard to watch bad childrearing (or no childrearing). I would definitely get a hotel for your next visit. Or you could offer to have Ximena out for a visit on her own, so that Daniel can visit with her and you don’t have to deal with the parents.
AD,
When it comes to childrearing it is as you said elsewhere every parents own style that brings their children up. IF you want to be and set a good example as a parent just be one. If you’re lucky the (S|B)IL will pick up some hints from you. Maybe you can have Sandra offer advice and help to her sister (usually works better with immediate family) because, as it sounds like, the father will not take any suggestions from anyone (maybe not even his wife).
OR, do what I did with friends, send them a book about child development and rearing, if they refuse to read it it is their own fault, you’ve given them the tools. Well, I did it when my firends were still expecting so maybe it is too late now…
Then you have the traditional Swedish way, sit down, have a meeting (with fika), try to reach some sort of “lagom” compromise solution for the SIL and BIL and hope they’ll be able to walk away with some insight and help. Although in most other cultures this solution does never work, pisses people off and threatens relationships, even family ones.
With hopes he has a snowblower…
/Lindus [a Swede in Diaspora]
Mar 7th, 2006 at 2:43 pm
[…] After five weeks of vacation is was finally time to start heading back. Both me and Sandra (probably Daniel as well) couldn’t wait to get out of Baja California after our disaster stay there. But we were a LONG way from home. First day we took an evening flight from Baja California to our base in Mexico City and packed our bags for our next leg of the trip. Next day we traveled the five hours to NYC which we expected to be a tough flight. Daniel is a superstar traveler and never gives us any problems but this flight was in the middle of the day and Daniel was full of energy. But we had a few extra seats, walked around in the plane, and spoke to some nice people so the flight was actually fine. We were at our hotel in Midtown Manhattan just over an hour after we landed which was surprisingly fast. […]
Jun 28th, 2006 at 2:24 pm
[…] It's a little weird that we made it back to Germany at this time. It all happened kind of by accident and the whole deal came together very easily. Robert, one amazingly funny guy, played on my team the last time I played in Germany and he contacted me half a year ago to see how I was doing and asked if I was interested in coming over to once again play in the league. He knew that I was still playing and had seen that my team here in Sweden won the Swedish Championships a few times. But there were certainly a few factors that could have stopped us from traveling. The last time I saw Robert and his wife Heike was more than ten years ago and neither one of us had any kids. People can change a lot in ten years but that strangely never entered my mind. Sandra is also very pregnant and on our departure she was in the 32nd week. It's a very short flight and we can fly until week 36 but it's still cutting it pretty close. Her stomach is simply HUGE and as you know it isn't too pleasant to walk around during this late stage of the pregnancy. I also wasn't sure how good my tennis still was and I had some troubles with my calf, which I tore in December. The past few months I was working out a lot and everything was fine, but three weeks before the trip something happened and I had to take a break from training because of severe pain. I emailed Robert and told him I probably wasn't going to make it since the calf was not doing well. I was depressed over this setback but just before the trip the calf miraculously got better and is now back to normal. Then we had the issue with family and Daniel. I could have gone alone but I didn't want to be away from Sandra and Daniel for two weeks so they would have to come with me. That makes accommodations more difficult but Robert and Heike were kind enough to let us stay with them in their house. They have three boys so the thought was that Daniel could play a little with them and have a nice time as well. That he has a nice time is priority one for us. But since we never met the kids, or knew anything about how their parents were raising them, the possibility for a disaster was certainly there. What if the kids were spoiled little shits and just terrorized Daniel? What if Robert and Heike had changed completely and were now assholes? What if the teammates were unfriendly? Staying two weeks under these conditions would be a nightmare. A nightmare can easily happen, just like our last trip to Baja California which was something I would love to forget. […]
Nov 24th, 2006 at 5:21 am
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