Are Adoptive Parents Better Parents?
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January 10th, 2007
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Tabitha at Baby Chhimi has post talking about one very famous adoptive parent, Angelina Jolie. As you probably know, she has adopted two children and also given birth herself to a baby not long ago. Which by the way crushed my wife since she wants to carry Brad Pitt's baby. Or at least have sex with him see him naked. Jolie has apparently been quoted as saying that becoming a biological parent is easier than adopting since the screening process is often rigorous. I have no idea if Jolie is a good or bad parent but the subject is interesting to me. Are adoptive parents better parents than biological parents?
Angelina Jolie believes adoptive parents better than biological ones in child rearing. "It should be hard to be a parent period. I go through many things to adopt. I'm finger-printed, I'm checked, I go through home studies. I have to prove I'm a decent citizen; a good human being." "That didn't happen to me when I gave birth, so it's interesting that there's no background check when you bring a child into your home in that way," she added.
The adoptive parents I'm referring to are the one who actively seek a child to adopt and go through a lengthy process to fulfill their goal. I see foster parents as something different since they are most often paid to accept a child and don't exactly have a stellar reputation. I'm of the opinion that adoptive parents often are better parents than someone who has a biological child. Even though I'm not an adoptive parent myself. They seem more dedicated (I'm sure there are exceptions) This is something they obviously have thought much about and are willing to accept the tremendous responsibility. There is a plan for how this child will be taken care of. Adoptive parents want a child they can call their own, someone they can hug and love unconditionally. They didn't just have four gin tonics, meet someone nice at the bar, fucked their brains out, and got pregnant.
Being an adoptive parent can't be easy. The financial situation needs to be documented, there are background checks, criminal checks, and research into where they live and whey the parents do for a living. And if they can afford a child. Plus numerous interviews. Being a biological parent is "easy". No offense to people who are having trouble getting pregnant. There is no screening process whatsoever. If you want to have a child, just go for it. No one cares what you do a for a living, if you have money, if you are a criminal, druggie, child molester, or simply not suitable as a parent.
How about a screening process for biological parents as well? To sort out the worst parents and save some children from future suffering? It's an nice thought but of course impossible to implement such a process. I have not personally seen any horror stories about parenting but they can be found in media on a daily basis. But I've never read about someone who went through a lengthy adoptive process for the child of their dreams and then treated the kid like shit for the rest of their lives.
Gay couples obviously have difficulty getting pregnant the "normal" way and many choose to adopt. Their lifestyles are also criticized by many, especially in the U.S. Personally I think they make fabulous parents. They have to go through sooooo much to become parents and welcome a child into their family. Not only the normal adoptive process but also additional screening because of their lifestyle situation. The only downside I can see case is that friends in school could make fun of the kid because of having two mommies or daddies. Thankfully the world is becoming more open and I believe that kind of stupid, narrow perspective thinking is becoming less of a problem.
What do you think, on average, are adoptive parents better than biological parents?
PS. A side note from yesterday, Jolie mentions in an interview that she feels more for her adoptive children. “I think I feel so much more for Mad and Z because they’re survivors, they came through so much. Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born. I have less inclination to feel for her…” Perhaps that's just normal, I tend to feel more for my three year old son than my five month old daughter….
I personally have nothing but admiration for foster parents. I’m sure there are some bad ones among them, but on the whole I very much doubt they are in it for the money.
Imagine taking on a child from a pretty horrific background, probably with a host of behavioral problems as a result of their less than perfect start. You care for them, love them, and all the time have to keep in mind that it is very possible that you are going to have to send them right back to the situation they had come from (many kids return to their birth parents once they have met a number of conditions).
I think you’d have to be a pretty special person to be a foster parent. all the ones I have met certainly have been one anyway.
As for adoptive parents being better, I don’t know. Probably on average they would be better, but it certainly wouldn’t be a given.
AD,
Correction, my husband, Chhimi posted that one. The blanket statement of adoptive parents are better parents is what we disagree on. Adoption process in different countries varies and honestly, depending on which country and how corrupted the “officials” are, ‘adoption’ may not be as strict as it seems. Plus, there are definitely extremes in both side of the situations.
Prior to having Erik, Chhimi and I were also looking into the adoption process for a baby girl in China, since there are so many in need over there. So, I do have great admiration for adoptive parents and do believe in general that they are loving parents who are committed to the upbringing of their children. But to say that they are better, I’m still not sure about that. Any parent (adoptive or biological) can only do the best they can with their ability. For the biological parent(s) to give up their own so the child(ren) can have a chance of survival, isn’t that an act of love also?
Side Note: There is an adoption process in the U.S. called open-adoption which the child maintains a relationship with the biological parent(s). It’s quite interesting for the child to have both set of parent(s).
I’m a former foster child and current child advocate: http://sunshinegirlonarainyday.blogspot.com/
To me, each situation is unique. My friend Johanna is a wonderful adoptive parent. She has adopted sibling groups from overseas, and loves them dearly and cares for them well.
Then, there are the horror stories. The Gravelles, an Ohio family who took in 11 special needs children, disciplined them in an inhumane manner and forced many of them to sleep in cages. Mercury Liggins, a Texas adoptive parent, who followed through on her threat to send her seven adopted children to Africa — they ended up in a Nigerian orphanage, suffering from malaria and malnutrition.
The best case scenario for adoptive placements are storylines worthy of a Hallmark movie. But, the worst case scenarios are the stuff that nightmares are made of…
It amazes me how frequently allegations are ignored, how rarely foster and adoptive children are trusted and listened to… In the case of Mercury Liggins, there were six allegations against her - and yet she was able to retain custody of her seven adopted children.
I am a member of Foster Care Alumni of America, http://www.fostercarealumni.org
We seek to create and share a collective voice for people in and from the foster care system.
Another resource for you is Amy, the Angry Adoptee. Here is her blog: http://amyadoptee.blogspot.com/
Lisa
http://sunshinegirlonarainyday.blogspot.com/
I am adopted and my exerience with my adoptive mom is not one for the advertisements. To this day I have felt (through various actions of hers) that I am supposed to be forever indepted to her for adopting me and my sisters. Many people have often commeted that while finacially my mom was very fit, emotionally she was lacking. She was screened and that screening did not ensure that we were loved unconditionally…there is no way to ensure that.
Jolie does have a point: adoptive parents do have to prove that they are fit human beings inm some one’s eyes, while birth parents do not. But to say that they are more fit is not 100% accurate. Jolie had a background check, but she was a cutter and that at the most basic level means that she was mentally unstable at some point. Many can argue that she put on a good show and her financial situaation allowed for certain things to be overlooked.
We could also ask why Jolie adopted kids from other countries rather than a child from the US. Is it because International Adoption laws are more lax? If so, then what’s to say that she was the best possible choice for her kids? Would she have been approved for adoption here in the US?
“Are Adoptive Parents Better Parents?”
I guess there could be. Just like there could be better gay, straight, or goth parents.
In every bunch you’ll find bad and good ones. Angelina thinks she’s better than everybody else (because she’s weird like that drinking blood of goats, boyfriends and such—- I don’t know, could be the lips or the nice breats she’s got going on).
I do know that her nanny is likely parenting her kids.